:-)

Things just aren't going very well lately.

My period has been really screwed up since I miscarried. I went back on birth control a month later and was on it 2 months. I just went off though because I was all screwed up. It is kind of alarming because I never had problems before. I just think the birth control is bad news. Therefore, I am done putting strange hormones in my body. Not to mention, when I'm on it I cry an average of seven times a week.

Nate is away this week. Thats cool, what isn't to cool is he has no cell service and nethier do the other boys. We have never gone more than an average of four hours without atleast texting eachother so its really strange. I've picked up the phone atleast 10 times ready to tell him something before I remember I can't.

I went up to Messiah this weekend and visited the girls. Goodtimes.

I think its so ironic that I have been trying to trust God and accept that I lost my baby for a reason and right when I think I am making progress, I lose my job. Yeahhhhhhhhhhh. I do not understand how people choose to be bums and sit home all day doing nothing because I am going insane. I spent last week home and I am ready to go insane. It is so boring.

So, I have been praying for more quality time with Nate. He hunts most weekends now so our time has been very limited. Anyways, it was kind of a fluff prayer request but alas, I still prayed it. Friday I went to work with him. He only had to go to WV so it was only like a four hour trip. On the way home it was snowing and there were wrecks all over 283, 81, 322, 147, 225. etc. basically all the roads we needed. The 2 hour trip home turned into a 7 hour trip. NO exaggeration. We sat on 147 for almost 3 hours at a standstill with the truck in park...we are usually on it for 20 minutes. I guess God answered my prayers :-p I would of enjoyed it tons more had I not had to pee and was dying of thirst. He did stop at sheetz and get me a slushy though so it was all good. Really though, you DONT have to drive 5 miles an hour the minute you see a snowflake.


Its proving not to be very easy finding a job, so prayers in that department would be well appreciated. Thankfully I am a good money saver so I am okay for about a month. I really cant sit in this house for another month though. :-)



Nicole and I looked at engagment rings today. :-)

I love the way you love me.

My only kyptonite is you.
You take my breath away.


I am madly inlove with the most amazing man. I am incredibly blessed. One day, he will be the father of my babies and I can hardly wait. He continues to amaze me everyday. He is patient and loving all the time. And I most definately am NOT those things. I have no patience. I get irritated before he even has a chance to explain himself. I like things my way and only my way. I have alot of growing to do. Regardless, he never waviers in his love. He is teaching me what unconditional love means. He is showing me what unconditional love looks like. I am so thankful that I have the gift of waking up every morning knowing that no matter what happens that day, he will be there and he will love me.

Thank you. Thank you for loving me no matter what. Thank you for mourning our baby along with me. Thank you for holding me for 3 hours straight on July 28th while I cried in physical and emotional pain. Thank you for loving me through the tears, the angry words, and the cold shoulder. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I give up on myself and us. Thank you for being patient and laid back. Thank you for being realistic. Thank you for being honest.

But I love the way you love me

Strong and wild

Slow and easy

Heart and soul

So completely

I love the way you love me

Silence.

The dark is creeping in

Its creeping up to swallow me

This is all that I can say right now

This is all that I can give

Thats my everything

Didnt you see me crying?

Didnt you hear me call your name?

Wasn't it you I gave my heart to?

I wish you'd remember where you set it down

Many well meaning people will say the cruelest things. They don't mean to. They just don't get it. Babies are not suppose to die. Our society doesn't prepare us to deal with death very well. With a miscarriage, there is no body to bury. No one physically saw the baby. Many people don't understand why you grieve, and few will grieve with you. Gods word tells me different. Life BEGINS at conception. There was life growing inside of me. The little human life had a soul and the minute the baby left my body, it was ushered into Jesus' arms.

Your silence HURTS. Words hold so much power. Not speaking them, doesn't help. I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten a single detail. Not speaking about it, wont change what happened. It wont help me get over it faster and it won't make me forget.

Please do not tell me how he was deformed and its better this way. I would of loved him anyways because not many people would have. I would of given my next breath, had he been able to live. I had great plans for him.

Please do not tell me I am young and I can have other children. How do you know that? And another baby will not replace this one. If your first child dies, will it be okay because you have a second one? No, children are not interchangeable, it is illogical to think that it will be okay because I can have other babies.

Please do not tell me it was God's will, or I am better off, or the baby is better off. I KNOW God works all things for good, but that doesnt ease the pain or take away the hurt.

Please do not tell me to move on, or focus on something else.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15



Silence is not always golden.

When it rains, it pours.

Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees.

Somebody said a prayer...

It's been awhile.

Things are continuing to move forward. I'm happy to report I don't feel so angry anymore. I've noticed the suffocating sadness has increased though. There is a girl, my age, who is good friends of our family. She is pregnant. We were excited to be pregnant together. She is still pregnant. Everytime I look at her facebook, I just get mad. I don't care about her baby shower, I dont care that she only has a month left, and NO I dont want to meet her baby.
Its very strange to me. I hate seeing infants out in public. Yet, I take care of the sweetest 9 month old baby everyday and I am so completely inlove with him. He was a lifesaver in July. Its funny how things work.

It just isn't the natural progression of things. When you become pregnant, your suppose to deliver a baby. Your suppose to be able to buy baby clothes and diapers. Your not suppose to watch your baby leave your body. Your not suppose to lay paralyzed on the floor because the pain is so intense as your baby fades from your body. Its just not NATURAL. When I first started miscarrying the doctor told me I would actually see "products of conception" because of how far along I was. The baby had started forming before its heart stopped beating. Stupid me, looked everytime I went to the bathroom. I bled for a couple days before but the day I actually passed the baby was the worse. I just can't even explain how horrible it is to see your BABY. The image still haunts me. There was no denying that it was the "product of conception" or better yet, my CHILD. I still remember ever detail about it. It was the most horrible expierence of my entire life...and I've been through some tramatic things...but that by far outweighed them all.

I laugh when people ask me if my tattoo hurt a ton. The night I got it, you know what I kept telling myself...there is no way in hell it can be any more painful than miscarrying. It's sad when thats what you compare your pain tolerence to.

Right there on the edge
Right there before she fell
Somebody said a prayer
Somebody had some faith
Somebody finally hit their knees, and asked for help
For her sake.

Tonight I miss my baby.

Before I lost the baby I belonged to a message board of girls due the same month as me. I still follow the board. I dont really know why. Anyways, today they posted pictures of their bellies and it made me really sad. My belly would be so big now. I do rest in the fact that I am sad...not angry which is different for once. I guess it helped but I always changed the sadness to anger before. I just want the baby back so badly. I don't think I have ever yearned for something so badly before. I still pray to God I will wake up with a big belly and this will have all been a dream. It's not though. Its so real that its suffocating. I can't believe how badly I mourn someone I never met. I cant believe how much it hurts. I would give up everything to change what happened, but unfourently I can't.

Someone please assure me it gets better. I try to think positive and dive into the Bible and find peace in Jesus but it still hurts.

Someone made that for me a couple weeks ago.

I've been there, thats why I'm here.

I've been there...thats why I'm here. They are lyrics to a song...by Kenny Chesney. I heard it today and it really hit home. I'm only at this place in my life, begging for Gods grace and mercy, begging for healing, begging for redemption, because I've been "there". If I wouldn't of lost my baby, who knows if I would be at this place in my life. Dont get me wrong, I am not thankful to have lost my child, but sometimes it helps to see the glimmer of light in it all.

Tuesday I went to work with Nate. It was boring...really boring. It was so incredibly nice though to spend a solid nine hours with only him driving through two states. We didnt talk much..but thats okay. I tried to sleep but everytime I closed my eyes, he flicked me, or poked me, or said OH MY GOSH WATCH OUT. He did let me sleep on the way home though :-) Pretty much we just drove...and listened to music...and ate pretzel sticks. and I loved every minute of it. My butt hurt though by the end of the day. Sitting for 9 hours straight isnt as fun as it sounds.

Tomorrow is Friday and thats lovely. I havent spent a weekend with Nate in awhile because of vacation...hunting...etc. so it will be nice. He is still going hunting though, mind you. Just only for a few hours on saturday at home though. Im sure he will go to his mothers for lunch Sunday, so Im hoping to go to church somewhere while he does that.


I was reading the B.I.B.L.EEEEEEEEE today and I read the story of Abraham and Isaac. God asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son and he obeyed! He took Isaac and at the last minute God provided the ram as a substitute. But he was willing to obey God. He was willing to give up his only son. Now, I didnt have an option....and I cant say I would of been willing to obey had I been given one. Abraham obeyed even though it was hard and he trusted God even though he had to of been uncertain. God has a reason and I dont see it yet...but I KNOW one day I will look back and be able to say without a doubt....that is why God walked me down that path.

Scarlet Cord

There is a woman in the Bible named Rahab. She was a prostitute. In the Bible when Joshua is getting ready to invade Canaan he sends two spies into the land to scope it out. The spies end up staying at Rahab's house because they don't think anyone will find them there. Through them being there, Rahab's heart is changed. Men come knocking looking for the spies, and she lies to them. She hides the spies and helps them escape. She tells them she believes in their God. She wants to be on God's side and that is why she lies to the authorities to protect the spies.

They tell her because she has helped them, they will keep her safe. She is to hang a scarlet cord from her window and she will be spared during the battle.

SHE WAS A PROSITUTE. Jesus took someone so low and so "dirty" and used her for something incredible.

Later on in the Bible, Rahab gives birth to Boaz. He ends up marrying Ruth if your familar with her...anyways...Rahab's lineage connects her to Joseph who was the husband of Mary and the earthly father of JESUS.

She was filled with sin. She was improper. She was a castoff. She was REDEEMED. She was chosen to be part of Jesus' lineage.

Despite what I may have done, I KNOW Jesus is still on my side. I am filled with sin. I have no fear though.

Many people are wearing scarlet colored string around their right wrist to signify this. I am now also. (Kabbalah's wear it on their left wrist)

It is an ever present reminded that I am his. No matter what. He sees past all the junk. Others may not, they may judge me but he doesn't and thats all that matters. If he can take a prostitute, the lowest of low back in those times, and connect her to Jesus' family...just imagine what he can do with ME.



<3

*You can read my "election" post below but I figured I would post my actual post now. :-)

Last night Nate and I, (plus matt and jason) went spotting. Thats looking for deer at night. Incase your from Hollywood or Orlando or some fancy place. :-p So anyways, on the way to pick Jason up, Matt was driving and Nate and I were sitting in the back of the truck. The song "Three Wooden Crosses" came on. Nate got excited and said he loved that song. I said oh really...and he said yeah, it basically says how everything happens for a reason, even things we don't understand. We just kind of looked at eachother but it spoke volumes to me. I feel incredibly blessed that he is so understanding. If you even knew the multitude that I have taken this out on him, you would of been telling him to run and not look back months ago. And we did see some deer! :-) It was such relaxed fun. I love moments like that with him. It excites me greatly, that I can have SUCH a good time with him just sitting in the back of a truck, listening to music, and shinin a light lookin for deer. :-)

I've been reading a book called Love and Respect "The love she most desires, and the respect he desperately needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is written in the "marriage" prospective but Im finding it very easy to relate to my "dating" prospective. The book is absolutely amazing. I'm sure Nate is very excited I'm reading it also :-) It basically is about how I never feel like he loves me as much as I love him or unconditionally but what I don't realize is I don't show him how much I respect him. Sure, I utter "I love you babe" probably 10 times more a day than he does, but thats really all he gets from me. I very rarely tell him WHY I love him or thank him. I would love to "change" him and make him exactly how I want but Im slowly learning if I change MYSELF for the better, I bet I will see a change in him also. It has to be hard to unconditionally love a girl who constantly is angry, needy, and grumpy. I'm very thankful I am realizing these things in myself. I love him, alot.

I went to church sunday. I was really really hoping for something to really speak to me and unfourently the message was completely on being extreamly wealthy..which we know doesn't apply to myself :-) I am glad I went, I just wish it would have been on something different, I dont even know what. I am just so desperate for truth. I want to find a Bible study....not an "young adult" gathering..a bible study. Where the focus is completely on the Bible.


Things are not better. I am not any less sad but the anger is slowly being released. I know it may be a long road. I don't know how long it will take me to not feel angry and sad when I see an infant. I have to start somewhere though.


I was sure by now, God
that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again, I say amen, and its still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I am with you

As your mercy falls
I will raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away

I will praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

Oh my

I cannot wait until this election is OVER. I am so tired of hearing about and reading about it no matter what website you choose to visit. I am not voting tomorrow. No, I am not anti-american. Frankly, I do not completely agree with either candidate and so I'm not sure how I would decide who to vote for.
This election has really turned me off from voting anyways. People on facebook are constantly publishing links to youtube videos or internet articles trying to convince everyone to vote for who they think is the best candidate. Now if you posting a youtube link and posting in capital letters on your facebook GO VOTE FOR MCCAIN TOMORROW changes anyones choice on who they are voting for, than they shouldn't be voting. Voting polls are PRIVATE. You go into a booth and close a curtain. No one needs to know who you are voting for. Shoving internet articles and youtube videos at everyone is not going to change their minds and make them submit to what you think is right. I DO NOT CARE who you are voting for. I do not care who my neighbor is voting for, and I do not care who my grandfather is voting for. I DONT CARE. I am sure you are all making the choice that is best for you.

I think as a Christian, many people expect that I be a republican. Although, I do know some very awesome Christians who will be out voting for Obama tomorrow. Sure, I do NOT support abortion, I probably am more disgusted with it at this point in my life than any other point, but I DO support womans rights. I do not THINK they should go have an abortion but I also do not think a 12 year old girl who was raped by her father should be forced to carry the child, which will be what happens if abortion is made illegal. I feel as a Christian I am called to witness to people and lovingly explain to them why abortion is wrong. Making abortion illegal will NOT stop it from happening. Making drugs illegal did not stop people from taking them. Girls will continue to have abortions, although alot more unsafely with the proper medical care. Sure, I don't agree with gay marriage but Jesus calls me to LOVE those people regardless .

Abstinence only education is also not a very smart decision and nethier is making forms of birth control illegal. I DO believe teaching teenagers to wait until marriage to have sex is awesome and if they choose that for themselves than that is great but most of them are not going to choose that. As much as you as their mother, or pastor, or aunt, or grandfather want them to, they just might not. And if they have no information about condoms, safe sex, birth control, pregnancy symptoms, etc. they will be VERY lost and putting themselves at risk for alot more than just the guilt of having sex before marriage.

I am in NO place in my life to bestow my judgement upon ANYONE. Therefore, I will not be voting tomorrow. I will not vote to ban gay marriage and I will not vote to make drugs legal. I will not vote to make abortion illegal and I will not vote to tax all wealthy people. I will not vote to keep troops in Iraq or pull them out because I am not there and I will not pretend to know what is best. All I know is what the skewed media as shown me. I will vote for Jesus Christ though and I will continue to live my life with how I feel is pleasing to him.

Romans 13:1 states that God is the ultimate authority. No matter who wins tomorrow, I will be continuing to submit to who I believe is the ultimate authority. Nethier Obama or McCain are going to tell ME what is right and how I should live my life. Romans also states that we are to respect authority in the government and pray for them. So regardless on who you are voting tomorrow, Jesus is the ultimate authority and he calls us to submit and respect whoever wins tomorrow.

How quickly I forget I am yours.

Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
This love sets me free

I'm not my own
I've been carried by you
All my life

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters, all I want is the shore
You say I'll be okay
And make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm



I found a verse today. Romans 1:8 says that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Jesus Christ. This verse states that God would not take my baby away to punish me. Jeremiah 1:5 says " Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born I set you apart." I know that my child is in heaven and I know one day I will see my babies sweet face. Jesus has promised to give me a peace I cannot find in this world. I have been trying and I have been unsucessful. Everything does ride on hope now. I have truly been broken. I have fallen to my knees in agony. Maybe now I can be rebuilt. I truly believe I have expierenced complete brokeness. There is no farther down than I already have been. I KNOW one day I will be able to rejoice in this. I trust that God's will was done. I continue to trudge on, hoping the anger will be replaced with love and the uncertainity with trust.

I will carry you.

Angie Smith, who is married to Todd Smith, who is a singer in the Christian band Selah lost their baby to many medical issues that were fatal. Her blog is Bring the Rain which is on the side of my blog. Anyways, Selah wrote a song for her daughter Audrey.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave
but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?


Do you know how difficult it is to mourn someone you never knew? Most people seek comfort in the memories of their loved one, but there are no memories. Unless you count the painful ones, which don't seem to help the grieving process. I am beginning to accept that I will not open the Bible one day and find a newly breathed passage stating exactly why God chose to take my baby. I will probably never have an exact answer.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

…and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair…

Isaiah 61:2-3

I pray that God begins to show me that he is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. I know there can be beauty in the pain and I'm patiently waiting. I worry, worry that I will never be able to carry a baby, worry I am plauged by some fertility issue and I will continue to miscarry over and over. It is hard knowing that I will probably not try to concieve for a few years so I wont know. I hope my heart can be settled and I can feel peace.


And I know there will be days
When this life brings me pain
but if thats what it takes to praise you
than Jesus, bring the rain.

Didn't you hear me call your name?

I plan to be brutally honest in this blog. I am lost. Incredibly lost. I accepted Jesus when I was 14 but for the last year, I haven't been able to find him. In all honesty, I've given up. I started dating a guy 8 months ago and I became pregnant in June. I've spent most of the last 10 years taking care of other peoples kids and being a mom is probably my biggest dream. I knew it wasn't the ideal situation, I wasn't married. Most would say I had no bussiness concieving a child, but I did. I was so excited. Regardless of the situation, there was a precious baby growing inside me. A few weeks after I found out, things weren't going right. I went to the ER on a monday night and sat on a metal table for 3 hours while I waited for a blood test to confirm I was indeed pregnant. The doctor told me my HCG levels were low, so I was either just pregnant or losing the baby. I knew I wasn't just pregnant because I had a positive test two weeks prior. I saw my OBGYN the next day and she confirmed I was indeed miscarrying. So I waited...four agonizing days to begin to bleed my baby out. I begged God to spare my babies life. I prayed agaisnt the miscarriage for days.
And let me tell you, it was the most painful expierence of my life. Not only was the physical pain incredible, the emotional pain was out of this world. It wasn't even a quick process. It lasted days. For days, I continually saw the evidence of my baby fading from my body. When your 20 and not married, the support isn't overwhelming. I'm sure in the back of many peoples minds, in their heart they felt it was for the best.
I cried. I screamed. I remember driving home from work the first day, screaming and crying. I'm not even sure how I made it home in one piece. I remember laying in my boyfriends arms hyperventilating because I was so hysterical. I remember laying on my bed bawling into my pillow. I am NOT an emotional person. I rarely show my feelings. Well, let me re-phrase that. I didn't USE to show my feelings.

I am ANGRY. I am so angry at God. Maybe he was punishing me for having sex before I was married. Deep down though, I want so badly to cling to Jesus. I have read and heard numerous womens accounts of how their faith got them through losing their baby and I WANT that. I just can't seem to get past the WHY? People are given children who abuse and neglect them on a daily basis..why was MY baby taken?

I have decided to dive, deeply into God's word and find any resources I can because I am broken, I am lost. I need to find my way back.

I am so angry. I have spent the last 4 months angry. I am angry at everything. I cry on a daily basis over things that I never would of shed a tear over before. I want answers. I need to find them myself. I can sit here cursing God and refusing to return to him because I am angry, but really what good will that do me? I don't want to be angry anymore. I am weary. I am tired of being angry.

My boyfriend often holds my face in his hands and tells me "something just wasn't right". He is an incredible man and I am very blessed but I feel like its a burden. I feel like I should be over this by now. My brokeness is straining our relationship. He often recieves the brunt of my anger and pain. Probably because I know he will take it in stride, but I need to remember it is not his fault. He has let me cry and he has supported me to the best of his ability but he cannot cure me.

I was in the bookstore today and while I was waiting in line they had a display of name cards. I picked up mine and read the verse on the card. It was Nahum 1:7..".The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him"

Lord knows I need a refuge.

I covet your prayers because I don't even know where to go from here. I have prayed feverently the last few days for God to guide me. I just don't want to be filled with anger any longer. I want to be able to say " Your will be done" I want to be able to accept that I wasn't being punished. I want to truly believe he has a plan for my life and this was part of it.

I wish I knew someone who made it through this and is able to see the beauty in it now. I wish I knew the protocal for losing your child. How long are you suppose to grieve? When will this anger subside? I refuse to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. I HAD a baby, I HAVE a child. God willing, when I become pregnant again, it will NOT be my first baby and it will NOT be my first pregnancy. One thing I am certain of is that a child becomes a child at the moment of conception.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper I am with you



I want to praise the God who gives...and takes away.