I will carry you.

Angie Smith, who is married to Todd Smith, who is a singer in the Christian band Selah lost their baby to many medical issues that were fatal. Her blog is Bring the Rain which is on the side of my blog. Anyways, Selah wrote a song for her daughter Audrey.

There were photographs I wanted to take
Things I wanted to show you
Sing sweet lullabies, wipe your teary eyes
Who could love you like this?

People say that I am brave
but I'm not
Truth is I'm barely hanging on
But there's a greater story
Written long before me
Because He loves you like this

So I will carry you
While your heart beats here
Long beyond the empty cradle
Through the coming years
I will carry you
All my life
And I will praise the One Who's chosen me
To carry you

Such a short time
Such a long road
All this madness
But I know
That the silence
Has brought me to His voice
And He says...
I've shown him photographs of time beginning
Walked him through the parted seas
Angel lullabies, no more teary eyes
Who could love him like this?


Do you know how difficult it is to mourn someone you never knew? Most people seek comfort in the memories of their loved one, but there are no memories. Unless you count the painful ones, which don't seem to help the grieving process. I am beginning to accept that I will not open the Bible one day and find a newly breathed passage stating exactly why God chose to take my baby. I will probably never have an exact answer.

The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. Job 1:21

…and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair…

Isaiah 61:2-3

I pray that God begins to show me that he is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow. I know there can be beauty in the pain and I'm patiently waiting. I worry, worry that I will never be able to carry a baby, worry I am plauged by some fertility issue and I will continue to miscarry over and over. It is hard knowing that I will probably not try to concieve for a few years so I wont know. I hope my heart can be settled and I can feel peace.


And I know there will be days
When this life brings me pain
but if thats what it takes to praise you
than Jesus, bring the rain.