*You can read my "election" post below but I figured I would post my actual post now. :-)

Last night Nate and I, (plus matt and jason) went spotting. Thats looking for deer at night. Incase your from Hollywood or Orlando or some fancy place. :-p So anyways, on the way to pick Jason up, Matt was driving and Nate and I were sitting in the back of the truck. The song "Three Wooden Crosses" came on. Nate got excited and said he loved that song. I said oh really...and he said yeah, it basically says how everything happens for a reason, even things we don't understand. We just kind of looked at eachother but it spoke volumes to me. I feel incredibly blessed that he is so understanding. If you even knew the multitude that I have taken this out on him, you would of been telling him to run and not look back months ago. And we did see some deer! :-) It was such relaxed fun. I love moments like that with him. It excites me greatly, that I can have SUCH a good time with him just sitting in the back of a truck, listening to music, and shinin a light lookin for deer. :-)

I've been reading a book called Love and Respect "The love she most desires, and the respect he desperately needs" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It is written in the "marriage" prospective but Im finding it very easy to relate to my "dating" prospective. The book is absolutely amazing. I'm sure Nate is very excited I'm reading it also :-) It basically is about how I never feel like he loves me as much as I love him or unconditionally but what I don't realize is I don't show him how much I respect him. Sure, I utter "I love you babe" probably 10 times more a day than he does, but thats really all he gets from me. I very rarely tell him WHY I love him or thank him. I would love to "change" him and make him exactly how I want but Im slowly learning if I change MYSELF for the better, I bet I will see a change in him also. It has to be hard to unconditionally love a girl who constantly is angry, needy, and grumpy. I'm very thankful I am realizing these things in myself. I love him, alot.

I went to church sunday. I was really really hoping for something to really speak to me and unfourently the message was completely on being extreamly wealthy..which we know doesn't apply to myself :-) I am glad I went, I just wish it would have been on something different, I dont even know what. I am just so desperate for truth. I want to find a Bible study....not an "young adult" gathering..a bible study. Where the focus is completely on the Bible.


Things are not better. I am not any less sad but the anger is slowly being released. I know it may be a long road. I don't know how long it will take me to not feel angry and sad when I see an infant. I have to start somewhere though.


I was sure by now, God
that you would have reached down and wiped our tears away
stepped in and saved the day
but once again, I say amen, and its still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear you whisper through the rain
I am with you

As your mercy falls
I will raise my hands
and praise the God who gives and takes away

I will praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for you are who you are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
you hold in your hand
You never left my side
Though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm