Didn't you hear me call your name?

I plan to be brutally honest in this blog. I am lost. Incredibly lost. I accepted Jesus when I was 14 but for the last year, I haven't been able to find him. In all honesty, I've given up. I started dating a guy 8 months ago and I became pregnant in June. I've spent most of the last 10 years taking care of other peoples kids and being a mom is probably my biggest dream. I knew it wasn't the ideal situation, I wasn't married. Most would say I had no bussiness concieving a child, but I did. I was so excited. Regardless of the situation, there was a precious baby growing inside me. A few weeks after I found out, things weren't going right. I went to the ER on a monday night and sat on a metal table for 3 hours while I waited for a blood test to confirm I was indeed pregnant. The doctor told me my HCG levels were low, so I was either just pregnant or losing the baby. I knew I wasn't just pregnant because I had a positive test two weeks prior. I saw my OBGYN the next day and she confirmed I was indeed miscarrying. So I waited...four agonizing days to begin to bleed my baby out. I begged God to spare my babies life. I prayed agaisnt the miscarriage for days.
And let me tell you, it was the most painful expierence of my life. Not only was the physical pain incredible, the emotional pain was out of this world. It wasn't even a quick process. It lasted days. For days, I continually saw the evidence of my baby fading from my body. When your 20 and not married, the support isn't overwhelming. I'm sure in the back of many peoples minds, in their heart they felt it was for the best.
I cried. I screamed. I remember driving home from work the first day, screaming and crying. I'm not even sure how I made it home in one piece. I remember laying in my boyfriends arms hyperventilating because I was so hysterical. I remember laying on my bed bawling into my pillow. I am NOT an emotional person. I rarely show my feelings. Well, let me re-phrase that. I didn't USE to show my feelings.

I am ANGRY. I am so angry at God. Maybe he was punishing me for having sex before I was married. Deep down though, I want so badly to cling to Jesus. I have read and heard numerous womens accounts of how their faith got them through losing their baby and I WANT that. I just can't seem to get past the WHY? People are given children who abuse and neglect them on a daily basis..why was MY baby taken?

I have decided to dive, deeply into God's word and find any resources I can because I am broken, I am lost. I need to find my way back.

I am so angry. I have spent the last 4 months angry. I am angry at everything. I cry on a daily basis over things that I never would of shed a tear over before. I want answers. I need to find them myself. I can sit here cursing God and refusing to return to him because I am angry, but really what good will that do me? I don't want to be angry anymore. I am weary. I am tired of being angry.

My boyfriend often holds my face in his hands and tells me "something just wasn't right". He is an incredible man and I am very blessed but I feel like its a burden. I feel like I should be over this by now. My brokeness is straining our relationship. He often recieves the brunt of my anger and pain. Probably because I know he will take it in stride, but I need to remember it is not his fault. He has let me cry and he has supported me to the best of his ability but he cannot cure me.

I was in the bookstore today and while I was waiting in line they had a display of name cards. I picked up mine and read the verse on the card. It was Nahum 1:7..".The LORD is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in him"

Lord knows I need a refuge.

I covet your prayers because I don't even know where to go from here. I have prayed feverently the last few days for God to guide me. I just don't want to be filled with anger any longer. I want to be able to say " Your will be done" I want to be able to accept that I wasn't being punished. I want to truly believe he has a plan for my life and this was part of it.

I wish I knew someone who made it through this and is able to see the beauty in it now. I wish I knew the protocal for losing your child. How long are you suppose to grieve? When will this anger subside? I refuse to sweep it under the rug and pretend it didn't happen. I HAD a baby, I HAVE a child. God willing, when I become pregnant again, it will NOT be my first baby and it will NOT be my first pregnancy. One thing I am certain of is that a child becomes a child at the moment of conception.

As the thunder rolls, I barely hear you whisper I am with you



I want to praise the God who gives...and takes away.